It’s the first official post from The Work Wife, a full 6 months after I dreamed this up. I wanted a space that was more permanent. Free from the bounds of algorithms, where I could show up for you week after week and you can find what you’re looking for in a convenient place.

I am so excited!

THIS WEEK’S HIGHS

I hosted my first ever Galentine’s Day party with some girlfriends last night. Honestly, I’m a little tired of planning parties between our holiday party in December, Mila’s birthday in January, and now this — I didn’t even know if I wanted to do it. BUT it was so much fun! I love all the girly things. We made it a pajama party and ordered pizza, had cupcakes, played games, decorated candlesticks, and did face masks — best night ever!

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

One of my best friend’s said goodbye to her beautiful mom (cancer) last week. I’ve been doing a lot of reading in my spare time to figure out how to best support a friend during a time of grief or big transition. I’ve learned a lot of “what NOT to say” and I feel like I’ve learned a few things that you CAN do.

Reply to this email if you’d like me to share my learnings.

📆 weekly report is in

Read, Eat, Play, Obsess, Recommend, and Treat

📚I’m not even sure if I’m allowed to say this, but I got my hands on an advanced copy of Kevin Kwan’s book “Lies And Weddings” — and I’m SO into it. It’s romance meets rom com with filthy rich and attractive main characters, yes please.

🍴We love Thai food and this is a one pot recipe that the whole family loved ~ Mila included! (+ its DF/GF) - made it last night, so good!

🎲 I’ve been playing with the viral Cloud Paint blush and I love how buildable it is. Did you catch my latest video with it?

🛍️ I have two pairs of these pajamas and yes they are expensive, but the cost per wear makes them SO reasonable. I literally don’t want to sleep in anything else. They are my go-to gift for holidays and birthdays.

🤌 I want this Bala round weight so bad. It’s like half kettlebell, half weight, someone tell my husband.

🍦 Valentine’s Day week means i’m making DIY heart shaped pop-tarts. Here’s my inspo & a recipe.

❌ NOT MY BEST FRIEND

I think this is probably the most important lesson that I’ve learned and something I talk about often with my friends. At the beginning of my marriage, I put a lot of emphasis on my husband being my “best friend” and he is - he absolutely still is — but I have other best friends, and that’s important.

Putting all of the burden of emotional support onto one person can be draining and having different thoughts and opinions can allow you to challenge your way of thinking.

I talk to my husband about work troubles, but I also talk to my friend Payal who consumes similar media as my target market and my friend Naina who understands the backend operations of different software and advises me on adjustments to my techstack. My best friend tier serves different purposes and that’s a good thing.

(P.S. Thank you to all of my besties (hubby included) for hearing me talk about this newsletter for 6 months and finally pushing me to publish. No one is happier than them that I’ve finally launched)

🔨 MENTAL LOAD

It wasn’t until I became a mom that I truly understood what the mental load looked like, and it’s been a learning process for me to understand and communicate with my husband. Executing together has been easy over the years - you cook, I cook. You do dishes, I clean the counter, etc.

But mental load is different. It’s a full time job to be a project manager and often leaves little energy to execute. Keeping track of school deadlines for littles, vet appointments, grocery lists, doctor’s appointments, birthday party gifts, home project planning — can be exhausting.

It’s truly “invisible labor” and it needs to be communicated because it affects the division of labor. Most men grew up seeing their moms do it all: the home, working outside the home, and coordinating every single thing. Our moms were supermoms, but they were also burned out and thankless. Let’s reinvent the wheel.

👧 KRISTEN CAVALLARI RULE

Back in 2017 I was watching some trashy reality tv and came across Kristen Cavallari telling her husband at the time (Jay Cutler) that “I’m with you because I want to be, not because I have to be” and of all the things - that’s stuck with me. I see it all the time with my friends - income disparity causes issues. You should never be in a situation where you have to be with someone — and your partner should know that. It keeps the cards on the table.

Make your own money, focus on your career or education, and always have an exit plan should you need one.

➗ 50/50 ISN’T REAL

There is no such thing as 50/50 in a longterm relationship. I wrote about this a few years ago, but the truth is our percentages change from day to day. Women are literally battling our own bodies with every week changing our energy levels, fatigue, and hormones. Men have their own challenges too.

Collectively, you need 100%, but some days you’re giving 80%, sometimes it’s 30% — you have to figure out how to communicate your number to your partner and let them know that today you need more or less support. Figure this out now before kids come into the picture. Or if you have kids, tackle it now. I promise you, it only gets harder.

💰️ PAUSE ON SEPARATE ACCOUNTS

I want to do a whole post on financial literacy and how to split finances in marriage including hearing from you guys on how you do it and what your tip recommendations are. Here’s my preliminary response based on what I know from my own experience and friends’.

Income changes over the span of your life. Your income and your partners’ will ebb and flow but things like debt, parents, student loans, and children can make it a lot more complicated.

I’m not saying 100% in the pot - there’s a lot of benefits to having your own account and I recommend it - but your joint account needs to shine bright in your marriage. “I spend my money on things for me” seems cool in your 20s, but when you have two kids and maybe a hiatus from work all of a sudden you’re asking your husband for money to get your hair done and you wonder how you got there.

Percentage based income splits are usually a good compromise, but we’re gonna deep dive into this in a future newsletter with your input soon.

P.S. I love being able to share my goodies with you all in the weekly giveaway. You can find the secret password at the bottom of the email, but there's no rush - enjoy the email. I've worked hard on it :)